I realize I tend to write a lot about people’s horrible driving. But there’s just so many bad drivers out there. I can’t resist. I have come up with various personas to describe situations I see repeatedly on the road.
1. The ‘I’ve got a huge big toe (picture clown feet) that hits the brakes about every 5 seconds when we are not stopped driver’ whose brake lights are on even though we going 30 mph.
2. The ‘I’m going to inch up about 6 times prior to the light turning green instead of just coming to a stop at the line from the get-go driver’ just in case my feet begin to fall asleep on me.
3. The ‘I’m signaling as I’m turning just in case you couldn’t figure out what I was doing when I was slowing down and my car was rounding the corner’. This is the same person who will wait until their drowning to put on a life jacket.
4. The ‘I’m going to look like I had 2 pens explode on my face when I arrive to work driver’, from trying to put on mascara while moving.
5. The ‘I want to make your doctor richer driver’ by scaring the ever loving shit out of you when revving his engine in a parking lot for absolutely no reason. This is the same person that jumps out of the bushes at little kids on Halloween.
6. The ‘I didn’t want you to feel left out of the party driver’, also known as the ‘I wanted to prepare you for an earthquake driver’, who from 10 blocks away you can hear his speaker’s bass, and when he pulls next to you your car shakes.
7. The ‘Look at me, I can put multi-tasking on my resume driver’, also known as the ‘Look ma, no hands driver’ who smokes and is on the phone while attempting to steer.
8. The ‘I just wanted to make sure you could see your dashboard AND the fronts of your corneas clearly so I’m going to send my obnoxiously bright headlights through your rear window driver’.
9. The ‘I must swerve around this guy turning because I can’t find the brake pedal driver’ who cannot waste 5 seconds of his life slowing down for someone to turn, often causing whoever was behind him to slam on the brakes.
10. And finally the ‘I want to pretend to play bumper cars with you and the guy in front of you driver’ also known as the ‘I’m going to pretend I am a Nascar driver transporting a dying person’ who rides so far up your car’s rear end he can taste your exhaust fumes even though a) you are already going well above the speed limit and b) there is a car in front of you who is not moving any faster.
I’d be thrilled with a megaphone or digital readout [think stock ticker] that ran across my car roof that would call these people out when these things are happening. But alas, I’ll just have to keep blogging about them.